But these spouses aren’t talking about privacy, they’re talking about secrecy. Indeed, another marriage will bring another set of challenges and problems and usually leave emotionally immature adults still emotionally immature. It was so unfair to him. We agree on not digging up EVERYTHING about your past–unless it is hurting or could hurt your marriage relationship. One partner thinks that he or she deserves a bit of privacy; the other views this desire as secrecy. Those memories eventually effected the way I treated my husband and also judged his (innocent) motives. But I/we needed to work through those past hurts to get to that place. The keeper of secrets believes that if they are revealed either accidentally or purposefully, the revelation may cause harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.Some secrets seem small but slowly erode trust. You have the right to privacy in any relationship, including with your spouse or family. Because where privacy is about having a life that you don’t share with others, secrecy is about intentionally hiding information. For example, someone who talks to an ex-lover and doesn’t reveal it to their spouse is keeping a secret. If we were all mature saints then revealing all our past traumatic history and faults would be great. SECRECY is destructive in marriage —it’s a lack of trust and respect. This is something the other partner is unaware of, and in essence, it’s a lie.— PRIVACY is having some quality time or spiritual time alone. So for secrecy you are deciding to keep something hidden and purposely cover the real truth… hiding things that one doesn’t want to be seen. SECRECY, on the other hand, is the withholding of info that may have an effect on the well being of the partner. Slideshare uses cookies to improve functionality and performance, and to provide you with relevant advertising. In any relationship, you have the right to keep a part of your life secret, no matter how trivial or how important, for the sole reason that you want to do so. Here’s an excerpt of some of what he has learned:It is the act of keeping things hidden —that which is secret goes beyond merely private into hidden. It ultimately doesn’t work.”There IS a difference between giving each other space and grace in marriage, and withholding info that affects your partner. Instead marriage counselors should listen and recognize hidden feelings and motives and then help couples in conflict to focus on long term consequences, priorities and benefits of their marriage. While secrecy and privacy are often used similarly in conversation, they hold different/separate meanings that when applied to a relationship correlate to different consequences. They should encourage couples to start practicing critical, self-examination, empathy, give-and-take, compromise, patience and self-sacrifice as central features of marriage and essential for preserving harmony and goodwill.You said: “Strive to be as open and upfront with your spouse as it is possible.” Yes, you are correct. They should help couples to think ahead realistically, take stock of costs and benefits, to appreciate that the grass is not greener on the other side and that divorce and marriage to another partner will usually inevitably repeat the same problems of the current relationship. It is an assault of privacy and an insult to fidelity. Marriages fail because they picked out every little thing that the spouse did that they did not like.Nit-picking and petty fault finding is a symptom of marriage in the early stage of conflict. There should be some time where you don’t have to tell your partner …